Healthy Helping Versus Enabling

Spotted on my Saturday walk.

Do you love to help others? Good.

Do you sometimes help others in a way that is hurtful to you or them? Not so good.

What is enabling?

Enabling is when your help for someone results in their not feeling the consequences of their decision making. You rescue them from feeling stuck, getting in trouble or even from them not knowing what to do.

There are extreme examples of enabling/rescuing like:

• Bankrolling your 27 year old adult unemployed child who smokes pot 8 hours a day and lives in your basement.
• Calling in sick for an alcoholic boyfriend who has passed out (again).
• “Helping” your boyfriend buy a new Camaro when he can’t keep a job.

And not so extreme

• Covering for a “friend” at work who messed up and forgot to finish their work project (for the 100th time!).
• “Helping” your son with his homework by, kinda’ doing it yourself.
• “Helping” your spouse clean the kitchen because it is quicker if you just do it, even though he has agreed to start sharing housework.
• Looking the other way when an employee you like, or a babysitter, is lame in the job performance area (“She has so much going on, poor thing…”)

Give Away Girls  BEWARE:

There is no need to go all ball busting on people to get them to shape up or ship out.  I mean, it is still okay to help grandma with her groceries when she is crossing the street.  GAG girls LOVE to be helpful. (We need that in our world.)

However, alot of times they end up doing more than their share, sacrifice too much for others, and end up resenting themselves into a tiny, angry corner. Or worse, they relish the sacrifice and martyrdom secretly for some self-esteem fulfillment. (DANGER!) That doesn’t help them or the people that should be doing the stuff they are supposed to do anyway. How are they going to learn?

Make your best decisions now in your relationships. It will do yourself good as well as benefit those you love and care about.

5 Things You Need To Know About Domestic Violence

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cybrgrl/

Washington D.C. ,1994

I remember hearing hits, screams, and crying coming from an apartment below me when I was a graduate student living in Washington, D.C. I called the police and ran to the apartment I had been hearing the screams from.

A man opened the door in a white, sleeveless, undershirt that I have heard jokingly referred to as a wife beater shirt (would you believe it?) He was sweating heavily and breathing hard as if in the middle of a workout.  Except, he had on dirty khakis and the punching bag was clearly human.

Being a naive, idealistic, young social worker, I accused him of hurting someone and I demanded for him to show me his family members so I could see if they were alright.  He laughed in my face.  Despite calling the cops several times, nobody showed up.  I am sure his family got the message loud and clear that they were on their own with that monster. That sucks.

Here are some important statistics to know or be reminded of:

1. Domestic violence is the leading cause of death for women (more than car accidents, muggings, rape, etc. combined)

2. More than 3 women a day are murdered by husbands or boyfriends.

3. 1 in 5 teenagers are threatened with physical violence when dating.

4. 63% of teens imprisoned between 11-30 are there for killing mother’s boyfriend/partner who was assaulting her.  These children will probably go on to assault their partners due to violence they have seen.

5. Battering occurs in all racial and socioeconomic groups.  Men are victims too. It is definitely happening in your neighborhood or to someone you know.

GAG Girls: Victims of domestic violence are all around us.  Contact your local domestic violence agency for more information if you have become aware of it happening with someone you know. Call the police and get help if it is happening right by you. It was dumb of me to get involved so quickly without support and back-up.  Get involved but don’t sacrifice your own safety too.  That helps nobody!

Self Care and Body Image

Artist, Rebecca Kauffman, who does her art whenever and wherever she can. (Great self care.)

Do you “Fat Talk”?

I don’t know why we do it but most women I know are not great at providing nourishing care to themselves, especially when it comes to body image. I am guilty of it too.  I am the FIRST to start fat talking with my girlfriends.  ”No pie for me, I am HUGE today…” They roll their eyes. Than somebody else pipes in. Most of the time, I eat the pie anyway…

I know, I know, I am a therapist.  I am not supposed to enter into the world of negative self talk.  It is not good self care at all!

But it happens.  Anyway, I found a wonderful blog about body image, self esteem and eating.  Please read it and sign up.  I did.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/

Investigation: What happened to Ann Curry at the Today show?

Doesn’t Matt look pleased as punch? 
Photo attribution http://www.flickr.com/photos/denonnie/

Where is Ann Curry?
I don’t know what happened at the Today show. If you are not aware, the Today show is a nationally syndicated TV show that comes up on the mornings on NBC. About a year ago, there was a lot of press about how Matt Lauer, the lead anchor, didn’t want Ann Curry (his 54-year-old co-host) to work with him anymore. Therefore, she got dumped by NBC.

And why is that relevant one year later?
Well, it annoys me that Matt Lauer is now surrounded by these two beautiful YOUNG women that look suspiciously like twins. (By the way, they also look like his model/wife, but that’s for he and his analyst to work out. He lives in New York and they all have analysts there, not therapists.) (And don’t we ALL know about the twin fantasy thing? So predictable!)

Incidentally, Savannah Guthrie and Natalie Morales appear to be smart, competent journalists who I am sure deserved their promotion. I am not annoyed with them at all.

But, I still don’t know why they dumped Ann. I mean, somehow, even at 54, Ann didn’t have any wrinkles. Ask any woman journalist in television media, and she will probably tell you that wrinkles on a woman are the kiss of death. In fact, it is rare to see wrinkles on any women in the media at all, much less the news.

WOMEN IN EUROPE VS USA
Interestingly, when I was in Europe 5 years ago, I was shocked by a cover of a magazine that had Sarah Jessica Parker on it. What shocked me were the wrinkles around her eyes. I didn’t know she had any! As I looked around at the cover of the magazines, I noticed the American stars didn’t look the same as they did in the USA. I realized that the American magazines airbrushed the wrinkles and the European magazines didn’t. That sucks.

I know Diane Sawyer is an exception in that she is a journalist who is older and on the national news. However, wasn’t she a Miss America winner? Does that really count as TV being open to televising older and aging women?

GAG GIRL TAKEAWAY: Life isn’t always fair. Keep your head up and have a back-up plan if things don’t go the way you want — or deserve.

Can Women Have It All?

Anne-Marie Slaughter on NPR

My girlfriend Tanya had a job at a law firm making a great living. However, they expected her to work more than 60 hours a week. When she slowed down, to give birth, they docked her bonus. It has been hard for her to stay excited and motivated in her career, with these challenges every day.

Interestingly, Anne-Marie Slaughter did an interview today about an article she wrote addressing this issue. Here’s a great podcast of an interview with Ann-Marie on NPR today. Why Women Still Can’t Have It All . (Picture taken from NPR link).

The difference between Ann-Marie and her husband
I loved how she mentioned that when a mother drops her kid at daycare, she feels guilty; when a dad drops him off, he feels proud of his involvement as a parent.

Some women don’t engage in any of the professional strategizing and sacrificing that comes with being a working mother. Some women are able and are comfortable staying home full-time. However, I know from the tons of women I have worked with over the years, that this has its disadvantages too.

When women decide to reemerge into the workplace, they will be behind financially and career wise. Additionally, there is that requisite, “How do I adjust?” And, “Why do I feel so devalued in society when a part of me knows that staying at home was so valuable?”

There’s no easy road and the grass often looks greener on the other side. (Forgive my overused idioms, but you know what I mean). No sweeping solutions are available yet. Please listen to the story.