Stop Saying “I am Sorry!”

                                        STOP SAYING "I’m Sorry!" ALL THE TIME

Have you ever noticed how high powered, successful CEO-type professionals  don’t walk around saying they are sorry all the time? Imagine how that would look.  Donald Trump saying "sorry"a million times on a daily basis.  "I am sooo sooo sorry to fire you.  I mean it.  So sorry.  Are you okay?" (Squishy, concerned affect).

Well, thats how alot of smart women walk around.  They  apologizge for everything. They inadvertently grab your coffee at the Starbucks.  "I’m so sorry."  The 5 year-old running through the door bumps into them on the way out.  "I am sorry!" they repeat over and over again….

Yesterday, I got my eyebrows waxed by Stephanie(not real name).  I asked her to please not wax the top of my brows (because they get "zitty").  She agreed and then we got to talking.  We were laughing and gabbing. She got distracted.  Stephanie then put wax on top of my brows; just as I had asked her not to.  You could have thought she had just knocked over Mrs. O’Leary’s cow and started the great Chicago fire…

"I am soooo sorry.  I can’t believe I did that.  I feel terrible.  Oh my God!  I am soo sorry," her poor voice  squeaked.  She then proceeded to sweetly say she was sorry at least 8 times.  I finally had to stop her.  "Stephanie, please don’t say you are sorry any more.  I accept your apology and it is no big deal."

 My guess is Stephanie has some  "Give-Away-Girl" type of challengees. This means she is probably a very kind, compassionate caring person, who probably gives people too much power to make her feel bad in her life.  In other words, she’s probably a little codependant. 

Here are three good reasons to save your apologies for important moments.

1. It tells your brain and everyone else you are a sorry person.

Brains that hear" I AM SORRY!" over and over only recognize that "YOU ARE SORRY!" Why go there?

2. Narcissistic people are quick to pick up on the weak and vulnerable. 

They(narcissists) think people who apologize excessively are weak. It’s like a heat seeking missile.  Would Donald Trump hire an over- apologizer?  No way.  Do you think Madonna says she’s sorry too much?  naaah…

3.  Saying it all the time is a good way to give your power away.

It just does.  Save your apologies for big stuff. An article by Shawn Johnson in the USA Today asserts that research shows women apologize a ton more than men do:

 http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/sex-relationships/2010-09-29-apologies29_ST_N.htm

How avoid being a "Give Away Girl" when you apologize?

• Be sincere.
• Keep it simple.
• Keep you head up, body language strong and when you are wrong promptly admit it. 
• Use your apologies wisely and use empowering words like "I apologize", or "I regret that decision." 
• Stop apologizing for dumb things, like asking for water. Say "excuse me " instead.
• Pay attention to powerful people whom you admire.  How do they convey regrets?

In Stephanie’s case, a sincere, "I apologize Cherilynn.  I inadvertently did exactly what you asked me not to do because I was distracted," would have been sufficient.

CHALLENGE: Try to go a whole day without saying "I am sorry." For some compassionate, smart, caring women; that can be quite a challenge!  Let me know how you do.

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“Try Try Again” Maybe Not Be the Answer in Troubled Relationships

“Try, Try Again” May Not Be the Answer in Troubled Relationships

Most of the time, communicating your concerns is the most effective way to resolve differences in a relationship.  But sometimes that doesn’t work because the other person isn’t interested in changing his/her behavior or doesn’t have the skills to do so. When that happens over and over again, it can lead to frustration and resentment,  especially  in situations where you’re expected to get along with others regardless of their behavior—think co-workers, in-laws, relatives, and friends.

For example, have you ever had a friend who rarely returns your phone calls or who suddenly goes AWOL when you’re supposed to meet somewhere?  Or maybe it feels like she takes your friendship efforts for granted?  And the more you try to do, the worse those feelings get? Or maybe a boss that repeatedly is unappreciative of your efforts and always focuses on criticizing?

If this kind of scenario sounds familiar and you’re feeling increasingly resentful, you might be in need of a neutral effort. A neutral effort is just that: doing nothing. Taking a hiatus from trying in your relationship is not about giving up and getting out—it’s about taking a breather to allow the resentment to subside.

Joannie, for example, came to my office extremely angry at her mother-in-law.  No matter what Joannie did, it never seemed good enough for her mother-in-law.  When Joannie went out of her way to make a big holiday dinner, her mother-in-law would show up two hours late or not at all, or she would make snide remarks about how the food tasted or the way the house looked.

Because Joannie had always had good relationships, she didn’t understand why her mother-in-law seemingly went out of her way to be so hurtful. So Joannie kept trying, and her mother-in-law kept treating her poorly.

Joannie’s attempts to explain to her mother-in-law how she felt resulted in her mother-in-law acting victimized, holding a grudge, skewing what Joannie had said and so on.  And . . . her behavior didn’t change a bit.   

Time for a neutral effort. That means:

1.     No more dinners (in Joannie’s case) or any other extra effort designed to impress and please.  

2.     Not expending any energy to nurture, take care of or focus on these people.

3.     Stepping back to stop the cycle of victimization and resentment.

4.     Shifting your energy to people, places and things that feel good, make you feel appreciated, and nurture your self-esteem and growth.

Neutral effort is not:

1.     Directing negative energy toward the person you’re mad at.

2.     Making sly comments or hurtful statements, throwing mean looks, or intentionally ignoring the other person. 

3.     Hurting the other person or trying to get him to see your perspective.

4.     Hoping your neutral stance will lead the other person to change her behavior toward you.

In short, you must have no expectations for outcome. A neutral effort simply provides a rest stop for you to get your bearings and take a break. 

Neutral effort doesn’tnecessarily mean completing withdrawing—it’s more about not always being the point person or the self-designated overseer. Time for Joannie to just show up at the dinner. She can bring a casserole and be gracious, but she shouldn’t offer to arrange the gift exchange or send out invitations.  Joannie needs to focus on expending her energy only where it is appreciated.

Only put Project Neutral Effort in place when you have done the following:

1.     Tried to identify your role in what you were doing to cause difficulties.

2.     Tried to respectfully communicate and hear what you may be doing that’s troubling the other person in the relationship.

3.     Treated that person with respect.

Neutral effort is a way of healthfully detaching in relationships that are dysfunctional.  It is usually not recommended for intimate relationships because of the potentially negative consequences.  For example, being neutral to a spouse you live with might be interpreted as ignoring him or her, and that’s not OK. And you can’t be neutral with your kids—it just won’t work.  Generally, though, there’s a lot you can do in the way of healthy detachment in the face of ongoing frustration, resentment and seemingly unresolvable issues.  What are some ways you’ve tried?

You can change no one but you. Starting there is powerful. Talk to a counselor or therapist if you would like help with learning how to detach in a loving and healthy way.

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“Try Try Again” Maybe Not Be the Answer in Troubled Relationships

“Try, Try Again” May Not Be the Answer in Troubled Relationships

Most of the time, communicating your concerns is the most effective way to resolve differences in a relationship.  But sometimes that doesn’t work because the other person isn’t interested in changing his/her behavior or doesn’t have the skills to do so. When that happens over and over again, it can lead to frustration and resentment,  especially  in situations where you’re expected to get along with others regardless of their behavior—think co-workers, in-laws, relatives, and friends.

For example, have you ever had a friend who rarely returns your phone calls or who suddenly goes AWOL when you’re supposed to meet somewhere?  Or maybe it feels like she takes your friendship efforts for granted?  And the more you try to do, the worse those feelings get? Or maybe a boss that repeatedly is unappreciative of your efforts and always focuses on criticizing?

If this kind of scenario sounds familiar and you’re feeling increasingly resentful, you might be in need of a neutral effort. A neutral effort is just that: doing nothing. Taking a hiatus from trying in your relationship is not about giving up and getting out—it’s about taking a breather to allow the resentment to subside.

Joannie, for example, came to my office extremely angry at her mother-in-law.  No matter what Joannie did, it never seemed good enough for her mother-in-law.  When Joannie went out of her way to make a big holiday dinner, her mother-in-law would show up two hours late or not at all, or she would make snide remarks about how the food tasted or the way the house looked.

Because Joannie had always had good relationships, she didn’t understand why her mother-in-law seemingly went out of her way to be so hurtful. So Joannie kept trying, and her mother-in-law kept treating her poorly.

Joannie’s attempts to explain to her mother-in-law how she felt resulted in her mother-in-law acting victimized, holding a grudge, skewing what Joannie had said and so on.  And . . . her behavior didn’t change a bit.   

Time for a neutral effort. That means:

1.     No more dinners (in Joannie’s case) or any other extra effort designed to impress and please.  

2.     Not expending any energy to nurture, take care of or focus on these people.

3.     Stepping back to stop the cycle of victimization and resentment.

4.     Shifting your energy to people, places and things that feel good, make you feel appreciated, and nurture your self-esteem and growth.

Neutral effort is not:

1.     Directing negative energy toward the person you’re mad at.

2.     Making sly comments or hurtful statements, throwing mean looks, or intentionally ignoring the other person. 

3.     Hurting the other person or trying to get him to see your perspective.

4.     Hoping your neutral stance will lead the other person to change her behavior toward you.

In short, you must have no expectations for outcome. A neutral effort simply provides a rest stop for you to get your bearings and take a break. 

Neutral effort doesn’tnecessarily mean completing withdrawing—it’s more about not always being the point person or the self-designated overseer. Time for Joannie to just show up at the dinner. She can bring a casserole and be gracious, but she shouldn’t offer to arrange the gift exchange or send out invitations.  Joannie needs to focus on expending her energy only where it is appreciated.

Only put Project Neutral Effort in place when you have done the following:

1.     Tried to identify your role in what you were doing to cause difficulties.

2.     Tried to respectfully communicate and hear what you may be doing that’s troubling the other person in the relationship.

3.     Treated that person with respect.

Neutral effort is a way of healthfully detaching in relationships that are dysfunctional.  It is usually not recommended for intimate relationships because of the potentially negative consequences.  For example, being neutral to a spouse you live with might be interpreted as ignoring him or her, and that’s not OK. And you can’t be neutral with your kids—it just won’t work.  Generally, though, there’s a lot you can do in the way of healthy detachment in the face of ongoing frustration, resentment and seemingly unresolvable issues.  What are some ways you’ve tried?

You can change no one but you. Starting there is powerful. Talk to a counselor or therapist if you would like help with learning how to detach in a loving and healthy way.

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Kind words of caution on verbal abuse

Kind Words of Caution on Verbal Abuse

By Cherilynn Veland

An intern who works for me was reviewing some writing I had done on abusive relationships.  She asked me, “So what does an abusive relationship look like anyway? I know when they hit you it’s bad. But what constitutes verbal abuse?” 

“What?! You mean you don’t know?!!” I wanted to scream. I was shocked that this 24 year old, bright, outgoing young woman didn’t know how to identify a potentially dangerous trap for trusting and caring individuals. But then I thought about it.  What did I really know about healthy and unhealthy relationships at 21?  Not jack, really.

I learned my first hard lesson the way many of the best are: through experience. I had a boyfriend in college who, when we first met, treated me like I was the most precious, beautiful thing on earth. He was kind, thoughtful and gentlemanly. Jeff (I’ve changed his name ) took me out to nice dinners and even bought me gold. Boy, was I hooked. Cinderella had found her prince.

Yet as time went on he slowly evolved into a toad: someone who made snarky comments, or pointed out faults.  He acted innocent and concerned about my welfare while sneaking into my closed mental closets of self-doubt and inadequacy. All people have some feelings like this from time to time. That is normal.  However, abusers know this and use it to establish control in the relationship.

Before I knew it, I was in a full-blown verbally abusive relationship. I figured it out, left it and got educated.  One of the first books I found, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, is still a valuable resource for me as a counselor. I recommend it to women and men to read when they question their treatment in their relationships.

Here are a few basics that I encourage people to recognize:

1.     Verbally abusive relationships never start that way. The abuser has to seduce with kindness and compassion. Once you are hooked, then they can start with the “shenanigans.”

2.     Both women and men can be victims of verbal abuse. It occurs frequently in homosexual relationships as well.

3.     Abusers rarely try consciously to manipulate. A lot of their behavior may just stem from how they learned to act. This makes it harder to identify, because they might behave well in so many other ways, and not be aware of their own abuse.

Patricia Evans says that abusers usually are:

·      irritable

·      likely to blame his/her mate for feelings

·      hostile

·      critical

·      silent, non-communicative, demanding or argumentative

·      tend to invalidate partners feelings

·      competitive

Oddly, part of the mind warp in this situation involves contradiction. (p. 38) Abusive partners often spontaneously say things such as:

·      “I just want you to be happy.”

·      “I love you.”

·      “I would never do anything to hurt you.”

Huh? (Insert confused face here.)

Verbal abuse might escalate to more verbal abuse, or worse—and therein lays the danger. If you’re in a relationship and suspect verbal abuse, seek professional help through a counselor or therapist. Confronting the abuser may not feel comfortable, but confronting your feelings, and minding your boundaries, are actions you cannot afford to delay. 

By Cherilynn Veland

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Welcome to my blog about better mental health and balance

Greetings from Chicago! With this entry, I’m kicking off a blog centered around life issues and topics related to how we feel and how we function.  I see life as an opportunity for learning and growth.  The bumps in the road, the challenges we face, those still moments when the wind is blowing through the trees just right…It all makes up our experiences- and all of our experiences have important value.  My clients, friends, my family, and the people I interact with on a daily basis effect me so much. The teaching is endless. So, I want to share the wealth.

I titled my blog "Stop Giving It Away" because one of the unhealthy dynamics  I see alot of  in my practice (and  in my life) is people engaging in what I call "Detrimental Caretaking".  What is detrimental caretaking  (DC)?  It is a little complicated; but my guess is you are doing it.  And DC behavior is having enormous negative consequences for you and the people you are in relationships with.  "Stop Giving It Away" is something I am so passionate about that I wrote a book about it!

While I’m a skilled and experienced therapist, I’m new to the blogging world–so please contact me via email or feel free to leave a comment in the space below. Thanks again, and I look forward to getting to know you better. Cherilynn

Stop Giving It Away: What is “detrimental caretaking” ?

Stop Giving It Away! Enough is enough  !

What is "detrimental caretaking" anyway?  In a nutshell, detrimental caretaking (DC) is when people  indulge in self-sacrifice that is self-defeating; usually, without even knowing it. It is "giving it away." Women do it most of the time!  And they don’t even know they are doing it.  What’s frustrating for me, is that I then see these women in my office suffering from depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, and feeling "used" or victimized in some way. 

DC is a dynamic that causes unnecessary pain and suffering.  However, it is very complicated. Therefore,  I wrote a book about it titled, of course, "Stop Giving It Away".

Maybe you are someone who gives a little too much to others and then feels taken advantage of or used?  Maybe you know someone who is the first to give of themself and the last to take care of their own needs?  Most women fall somewhere in this category.

Important note:  you have to be a kind, caring person to qualify under any of this.  If you are a bitch, or a selfish narcisst, you need a different blog.  Putting others’ needs first is DEFINITELY not your problem! 

But, you know who I am talking about.  I was describing this book to my web designer, and she said, "Oh, you mean like my mom who would take us to McDonald’s and stare at our Happy Meals, but never order one for herself?’, she said.  "Or my sister, who is smart, strong, and beautiful but has a lousy, jerk boyfriend who tells her she’s *&^^!" Exactly.

Those examples would qualify.  But other examples are the moms who are exhausted after a long day of taking care of everyone else.  Or, the woman at the Starbucks, who lets her manager talk down to her ; and feels bad about the guy she slept with who still hasn’t called…

However, just because my blog and my book focuses on women does not mean that women are the only ones that suffer from this.  Detrimental caretaking(DC) is born of codependancy (hate that word) and men struggle with these issues too- probably now more than ever.  But, because of cultural and gender expectations that influence women, it usually manifests itself differently.  Women are taught from a very early age that they are morally and ethically responsible to give up their needs, time, energies, ideas, goals, wants and desires up for the good of others.

We will be doing a call out to the guys, too.  Just give me some time…